This is the worst I have ever felt in my life, I can’t imagine how I will survive without my partner. Grief, Separation and Anxiety are painful with therapy you can get through this pain, and flourish and enjoy your life again.
Intimate relationships coming to an end can be the most painful experience in life. Relationships are such an important part of our existence, because they give meaning to our lives in so many ways, including validation, support, a chance to give wholeheartedly and selflessly, and to grow as a person in all the domains of our existence. Our intimate relationships can evolve into families with children and give the appearance of protecting us from the sadness and dangers in the world. I often hear it said ‘I found my sole mate’, ‘this is the person I was meant to find and be with for the rest of my life’, ‘we belong together, it is our destiny’.
I have also heard, ‘I can’t live without this person, I would rather die, in fact I will take my life if we separate’. Such is the power of relationship for most people, that when it comes to an end, it is of no surprise that they experience a profound sense of loss, intense anxiety, fear, worthlessness, at times depression and a sense of hopelessness.
The loss of a cherished relationship is far too complex to discuss in depth in a pages on a website. But I can give some indication of what to expect when making the transition from, ‘your world making sense’ (while in the relationship), to it ‘making absolutely no sense’ (no mans land), to finding yourself, and meaning in your life again.
When we go through the process of grief due to the death of a loved one, there are comparable stages to the ending of a relationship. But throughout the grieving process when mourning a death, no matter how much we try to deny the reality as a way of protecting ourselves from the pain, we are faced with the fact that the person has gone and no miracle will bring them back, reality forces us to the point of acceptance. However when a relationships ends, because of choice, and the individuals are still alive, there is always hope that things can be changed and the emotional pain of loss can be avoided by re-instigating the relationship.
As with grief and death there are stages that seem to accompany the process of loss at the end of a relationship. There are different ways of describing these stages but I have observed them in the following way.
There is the initial denial phase ‘I can’t believe this is actually happening’ Then there is the anger and sometimes rage and wanting revenge, ‘You have no right to do this to me’ or how dare you do this to me’. As it dawns on us that denial or anger isn’t working and the reality of the situation is shining through triggering the fear and anxiety, we begin the stage of bargaining, ‘I will do what ever it takes to make it work, just give us another chance, we weren’t that bad, surely getting back together is better than facing this unnecessary pain’. This is more denial and understandable bargaining begin is a way of trying to avoid the sadness and fear of the loss.
What may follow then is the active period of mourning and saying good by to a major part of your life and one of the seeming reasons to live. At this point there is often withdrawal, many tears and inactivity (this is all very normal and actually healthy, as long as the withdrawal is not for too long). In this no-mans-land where our assumptions that helped us make sense of our world have collapsed, we are faced with the task of looking for new meaning ‘what will my world look like now, how can I makes sense of life again’. This will continue to elude is for a time to come yet.
The next stage is a mixture of aspects that include self-blame ‘It was all my fault’, then before long it will become ‘ no it was all your fault’. This may continue for years but hopefully a point will be reached where it seems futile remaining angry at yourself and resentful of the other person, and we recognise it is time to let go.
As we move through the stages and time passes, ideally we are able to notice that although the sadness, hurt and some anger remains, a degree (it may only be slightly) of acceptance and less intensity of emotion is connected to the passed and the person. This indicates the emotional attachment is fading, and you will begin to experience periods of increasing enjoyment and more confidence in yourself.
This is very much reductionistic description of the grieving process, and the stages we pass through are not always sequential, or of equal time. In fact even when you have reached a point at which you believe you are free and see the person as someone you use to know, there can be an interest or occasionally a hint of interest and for some still a sense of longing for the good times.
Whatever stage of change you think you are up to you will be fine and will move on as long as you able to believe that you are a worthwhile, lovable person, even though you can be rejected (you are not a reject), or reject others and have felt guilt and regret. We move on and adapt because we a designed to do so. If on the other hand you think you are stuck and have been for a longer period than seems appropriate, it maybe that you need the help of a therapist to guide you through and finish off the process.
Please remember you will get through this pain, and flourish and enjoy your life again. The reason this is true is because the source of your contentment and happiness was never actually within the other person, it has always been within you, but like all people, you are able to attributed these precious things and attributes that you deem as so important and valuable, to a partner.
