Couples Therapy

Is couples therapy for you?

Are you feeling distressed in your relationship?
Are you having few rewarding interactions but many angry, blaming or punishing ones?
Do you recognise that the stressful interactions are about the same topics but are never resolved?
Does it seem you are being taken for granted because your partner doesn’t seem to understand you or appreciate your efforts?
Are you afraid to express how you think and feel for fear of rejection?
Are you at a loss as to how to rebuild your intimate life as a couple and to regain the pleasure you once had?
Do you feel fearful because you believe that your relationship is coming to an end even though there is very little evidence to suggest so?

There are several domains in a relationship that can become out of balance and and not live up to the expectation of each individual, areas such as, –

Consideration
Affection
Household responsibilities
Childcare – Social life
Financial contribution
Sex life
Your own independence
Self
Other

Couples Therapy for Change

There are elements that are essential for ‘healthy’ family or couples functioning. If these elements are disrupted the relationship structure becomes unbalanced and self-perpetuating, due to the behaviours that are a part of the maintenance of the relationship.

Correcting the behaviours and attitudes within these necessary relational elements, the couples will regain balance and healthy functioning.

These elements or domains come under the headings of:

Identity Formation
Coping with Change
Information Processing
Role Restructuring.

Each of the above headings represent more specific content which include: Autonomy vs Dependence or Enmeshment, Flexibility vs Rigidity, Clear or Unclear Communication, and Role Reciprocity.

A primary goal is to restructure the system and find balance with intervention such as communication skills, which is fundamental for making change. Clients would be asked to enact a transaction and be taught specific behaviour and concepts such as active listening, talking directly to each other, (not the therapist) They may be asked to reverse roles as another way of learning to perceive how the structure is maintained.

Role reciprocity becomes very important i.e., knowing how to treat each other in a way that doesn’t maintain the dysfunctional structure or homeostasis. This often requires a shift in ‘rules’ about how to communicate.

As mentioned earlier, a way of interrupting the structure is to help the couple to observe the process not just the content, and be shown the problematic sequence of events. They can then learn to perceive the interaction as being driven and maintained by unclear communication, rigidity around adapting to future changes, and role reciprocity-blaming each other, in an entirely new context, recognising they are acting out a familiar structure which is not their fault, and is maintained by the roles they play. Effectively this enables the couple to avoid having to change their partner’s response and to have a shared understanding about how to deal with stressful interactions. A primary intention is for partners to learn through understanding, to tolerate the differences between them both, without increasing stress, guilt or blame.

It is very important to consider what we bring to our relationships as a consequence of our life experiences and upbringing. Depending on our developmental relationships our expectations may be based on templates that are outmoded and not suitable to help with the pressures of today’s social attitudes and personal needs within an intimate partnership.

Commitment…..,All relationships progress through stages of change because our needs and expectations change. It is important to acknowledge, and not ignore when you are facing problems that you don’t know how to solve. It may be time to consider that these problems won’t be resolved without each partners attention, and commitment to making change with the help of a therapist.